The Hardest of Times

The hardest times I've ever had have been recently.

The hardest times I remember pale in comparison to this.

No matter what, I've never been down this dusty road before.

Thursday night, it was never more apparent that I'm losing the battle against my mind and it was appearing as though I was going to have to give up. I came close, very very close to giving up.

Lets start with what was going on Thursday.

But first you need to understand how good things were the days before. Tuesday and Wednesday I was riding high on a cloud of a good mood because of the start of school and getting new programs to play with for 3-D animation. I even downloaded a demo for Brutal Legend, and I was excited to get it this coming Tuesday.

Thursday, my mood was gone. Disappeared like some apparition, a dream, if you will. I remember the mood, but only just and not enough to make it a reality again.

The day didn't lift at all, and I barely registered being at my class. I was too busy thinking about money, a job, things I need to pay, my father losing his job, the possibility of moving, having to quit college if that happened, and so many other things.

Fast forward to the evening, its around midnight. I get a little hungry and as usual, I get myself a sammich to eat. As I was making it, I thought I heard my mom say my name. I put walk to my moms room to ask what was up, but she's snoring up a storm with my dad.

I turn away down the hallway, grab my sammich and head back downstairs, thinking it was just her talking in her sleep. I went downstairs and put my sammich on my desk, and I heard my name called again. This time it was an altogether familiar voice and one I was sure couldn't be there. It sounded outside the door.

I opened the door and it sounded down the hall.

I went down the hall and it called to me from up the stairs.

I went up the stairs and then it sounded like my name was called from outside the door, in the 15 degree weather.

I knew I shouldn't follow it there. I was beginning to get scared, and I went back down to my room and closed the door.

I'm not sure whether closing the door was a mistake, or not, even now.

When the door was closed and I was eating at my computer, I heard the voice, calling my name outside the door. Telling me to let it in.

I ignored it as best as I could, and waited until it went away to get a quick shower, scalding hot against my skin. I felt a little better and my mind felt clearer, at least, momentarily.

But once back in my room I felt as though I had been trapped. That voice returned as soon as my door was shut, and sounded as though it had others with it.

But it wasn't only at my door, it was at my windows as well.

You can't begin to understand the level of fear I suddenly had. Any resolve, any steeled emotions, even the control I usually have over my own mind and what I hear internally was lost to me. If I didn't know better, and at the time I didn't, I could have sworn there were people outside my windows and doors calling to me and telling me to let them in.

I tried contacting anyone I could, someone, anyone who could talk to me.

No avail. And I was too scared to open my door and go upstairs to my parents. Much too scared to do anything.

No one could help, at least, no one I could contact could.

However, one of them alerted someone who knew what it took to calm me and what it took to make what was going on go away.

She called, and at first I was too scared to pick up the phone even. Eventually I did, and she talked me through everything, calming me down until I couldn't hear anything else but her. I promised her I would seek help, and we talked some more, until I was tired enough to sleep.

I slept without dreams, but I also slept very well.

I woke up the next day and began calling around. I eventually got myself an appointment for next Friday to see someone about what happened.

I told whom I could, especially her since she helped me so much the night before, and she told me she'd be there if it happened again, I need only call.

It calms me knowing I have someone who could do something even from so far away.

I havn't had any new problems since then, and it seems like Thursday may have been a one time thing, but I don't know. I need to seek help regardless, because if it happened once, it can happen again, and I need to know how to prevent that.

Never again do I want to feel that fear, to know that I'm helpless like that again.