The hardest times I've ever had have been recently.

The hardest times I remember pale in comparison to this.

No matter what, I've never been down this dusty road before.

Thursday night, it was never more apparent that I'm losing the battle against my mind and it was appearing as though I was going to have to give up. I came close, very very close to giving up.

Lets start with what was going on Thursday.

But first you need to understand how good things were the days before. Tuesday and Wednesday I was riding high on a cloud of a good mood because of the start of school and getting new programs to play with for 3-D animation. I even downloaded a demo for Brutal Legend, and I was excited to get it this coming Tuesday.

Thursday, my mood was gone. Disappeared like some apparition, a dream, if you will. I remember the mood, but only just and not enough to make it a reality again.

The day didn't lift at all, and I barely registered being at my class. I was too busy thinking about money, a job, things I need to pay, my father losing his job, the possibility of moving, having to quit college if that happened, and so many other things.

Fast forward to the evening, its around midnight. I get a little hungry and as usual, I get myself a sammich to eat. As I was making it, I thought I heard my mom say my name. I put walk to my moms room to ask what was up, but she's snoring up a storm with my dad.

I turn away down the hallway, grab my sammich and head back downstairs, thinking it was just her talking in her sleep. I went downstairs and put my sammich on my desk, and I heard my name called again. This time it was an altogether familiar voice and one I was sure couldn't be there. It sounded outside the door.

I opened the door and it sounded down the hall.

I went down the hall and it called to me from up the stairs.

I went up the stairs and then it sounded like my name was called from outside the door, in the 15 degree weather.

I knew I shouldn't follow it there. I was beginning to get scared, and I went back down to my room and closed the door.

I'm not sure whether closing the door was a mistake, or not, even now.

When the door was closed and I was eating at my computer, I heard the voice, calling my name outside the door. Telling me to let it in.

I ignored it as best as I could, and waited until it went away to get a quick shower, scalding hot against my skin. I felt a little better and my mind felt clearer, at least, momentarily.

But once back in my room I felt as though I had been trapped. That voice returned as soon as my door was shut, and sounded as though it had others with it.

But it wasn't only at my door, it was at my windows as well.

You can't begin to understand the level of fear I suddenly had. Any resolve, any steeled emotions, even the control I usually have over my own mind and what I hear internally was lost to me. If I didn't know better, and at the time I didn't, I could have sworn there were people outside my windows and doors calling to me and telling me to let them in.

I tried contacting anyone I could, someone, anyone who could talk to me.

No avail. And I was too scared to open my door and go upstairs to my parents. Much too scared to do anything.

No one could help, at least, no one I could contact could.

However, one of them alerted someone who knew what it took to calm me and what it took to make what was going on go away.

She called, and at first I was too scared to pick up the phone even. Eventually I did, and she talked me through everything, calming me down until I couldn't hear anything else but her. I promised her I would seek help, and we talked some more, until I was tired enough to sleep.

I slept without dreams, but I also slept very well.

I woke up the next day and began calling around. I eventually got myself an appointment for next Friday to see someone about what happened.

I told whom I could, especially her since she helped me so much the night before, and she told me she'd be there if it happened again, I need only call.

It calms me knowing I have someone who could do something even from so far away.

I havn't had any new problems since then, and it seems like Thursday may have been a one time thing, but I don't know. I need to seek help regardless, because if it happened once, it can happen again, and I need to know how to prevent that.

Never again do I want to feel that fear, to know that I'm helpless like that again.

IT is time.

Time for me to make everything happen.

What I want is inconsequential, it cannot happen until I do what I need to do. I need to get an income, I need to save the money I make, and I need to finish this next quarter of school.

I will be learning 3-D animation and Web Design using Adobe Dreamweaver CS4.

I will master both, and create what I need.

I cannot be stuck inside this basement anymore. I cannot be held back because I'm here.

I have things I can do in this basement, things I can work on and things I can accomplish to better myself for the future.

I will become everything I need to be, and I will live the life I was destined to have.

Hope you all keep up with me and go with me into this great new beyond.

Love you all.

-Sean

This is what I did tonight, I'm hella-tired as I write this, and it was about a 50 minute workout.

Here's how it goes. Just in case any of you are wondering what I do for a hard workout. I have 10 lbs on each ankle as I do this.

1) Stretch for 5 minuets straight, get nice and loose.

2) Do 20 sit ups

3) Do 20 twisting sit ups (twist to your side each time, 10 left 10 right)

4) Do 30 crunches (feeling the burn a lot by now)

5) 20 Push ups

6) 15 reps on each arm lifting 15 lbs dumbells

7) 10 squats with 45 lbs bar

8) 15 push ups

9) 100 jumping jacks (ankles are still 10 lbs heavier)

10) 20 more sit ups

11) 20 more twisting sit ups

12) 15 crunches

13) (removing the 10 lbs weights on my legs) 20 squat thrusts

14) 10 push ups

15) Warm down stretching, punching the punching bag.



Right now, my shoulders, triceps, and my stomach are feelin' the heat. I'm going to keep this up for a week or two until I'm used to it, and step it up each week (hopefully)

Tired as all hell folks, surprised I made it through that much!

Catch you all later!

Turns out I have been one hell of a downer recently.

It nearly cost me a lot of things.

But I'm over it now, and I really can't wait to get things rolling for myself again.

I'm not sure who the hell was at the forefront here recently, but it certainly wasn't the Sean everyone knows and loves as a little rascal.

It was some ego-maniacal, obsessive, pantywaist pathetic little shitstain.

And I've always prided myself as not being one of those.

SO!

I found out what the problem was, and I eliminated that thing that was screwing me up inside my head. I don't know why I felt like I had to be some kind of sick little puppy, but that wasn't helping anything.

I'm back bitches!

I've got a helluva bunch of plans that are going to be very carefully laid out, and I have the means to make them the reality that I know they can be.

Some of you doubt me, some of you believe in me.

Quite frankly I don't care which you are, but all I know is that things are going to happen, and happen soon. 

Just sit back and watch me finally, unerringly, take control of this life of mine and make it do exactly what I want it to do.

Damn I feel good. I suppose knowing you passed a hard class, and then the professor treating you to breakfast at night would make anyone feel good.

What a great way to start my stuff off.

Haha!

COME ALONG FOR THE RIDE CHILDREN!

The night saints had managed to hold an objective, and kill the majority of several units, while wiping out several others. The Night Saints took heavy casualties while looking for the relic on the planet. Fighting against the Blood Angels, Tau, Witch Hunters, Space Wolves, and Black Templars, the Night Saints used the distraction of two Tyranid broods, and a band of Orks to slip onto the planet and search for their relic, with the help of a garrison of Imperial Guard.

The relic, which had been found by the Witch Hunter Inquisitor, had been taken and the Inquisitor refused to hand over the relic. This would not stand.

The Blood Angels held the main bastion on the planet, along with the Inquisitors forces. It would have been a hard pressed assault had the relic been there, but it was kept in a chapel outside the bastion itself.




------

Preliminary Bombardments, crash n' burn.

Before any attacking even began, hell, even before the attackers had set up their armies on the table, there were preliminary bombardments. The Orks bombardments killed several Tau Battlesuits and half a squad of Sisters of Battle from the Witch Hunters army.

Then came the suicide fliers out of the sky, throwing their already dying planes into the enemy in a Crash n Burn stratagem. The fliers coming down destroyed a Leman Russ tank, and permanently pinned those same Sisters of Battle.

Not long afterward, the Tyranids sent meteors down upon the defenders, and shut down the void shields on two out of the four bastions.

The Night Saints fired a shot or two while the orks had, but didn't hit anything valuable or worth mentioning.

____

Attackers Turn 1

The Tyranids had obviously already been on the planet, as Lictors came out of the Flora to ambush and attack single defense units.

But that wasn't the only thing happening, the Tyranids had a sizeable force drop into play on the first turn. Several Carnifex's and a Hive Tyrant managed to deep-strike into battle, and immediately tore through a Vidicator, a Baal Predator of the Blood Angels, and a Heavy Weapons team with the Witch Hunters. One of the Carnifex's turned its attentions to a Blood Angels Squad in the cover of a ruined building.

And while that was going on, Gaunts attacked a Fire Warrior squad and killed it down to the last man, suffering only one loss from the frantic return fire of the Tau. Genestealers destroyed a Chimera belonging to the Witch hunters, and began wreaking havoc in the back  of the defenses.


The Orks at this time had dropped in some Kommando's and began sneaking around before attacking some Vespid Stingwings attached to the Tau Army. They also managed to teleport a Deff Dread right in front of the Tau's defenses. A surveillance servitor skull managed to capture an image.



The Night Saints, meanwhile, sent a vanguard Tactical Squad to secure a nearby Chapel. They then waited for further orders.

-------

Defense Turn 1

The Tau immediately turned their guns on the Dread in front of them, but to little avail. It lost one of its shoota's and not much else. The Space Wolves who were behind the dread lent their firepower, but only seemed to immobilize it. It could still shoot, but it could not assault into the Tau, which would probably save them later. However, after 18 shots from high-powered weapons, it seemed the Dread was unstoppable.

The Space Wolves also sent their Scouts to help the Vespids as they were having trouble with the Ork Kommandos.

Meanwhile, the Gaunts that had killed the Tau Firewarriors came under attack by Seraphim fighters from the Sisters of Battle, who then assaulted the gaunts with the aid of the Sisters Repentia, and wiped them out. But this was only one of many more waves to come.


The Blood Angels had begun directing what firepower they could at the large Tyranid monstrosities tearing their way through the rubble and ruin of buildings.

Attackers Turn 2

The Night Saints brought more units onto the field, a Predator rolled between the Chapel and the defenders line, with Assault Marines dropping in and readily setting up to protect the Chapel. Under strict orders to not engage anything until they were engaged themselves.

The Imperial Guard landed on planet and began helping fortify the Chapel area around the Night Saints, with their tanks moving up to start shooting at whatever else came their way.

The Carnifexes were still running rampant, killing off Blood Angels, and destroying one of the smaller bastions the defenders held.


Genestealers ran rampant, destroying another chimera and annihilating a Death Company assault squad and Blood Angels Scouts.

The Night Saints dropped a Dreadnought behind the Space Wolf line who took a shot at one of the Land Raiders to catch their attention, and started preparing a defense against whatever would come their way.


The Orks, however, were still wreaking havoc, and their Nobs in Mega Armour began marching on the Tau, laughing and shouting their Waaghs!



Defenders Turn 2

Suddenly, the Black Templars came from the sky in all their drop pods, and landed all across the Defenders lines to reinforce them.


Immediately, a squad of assault marines and their Chaplain landed next to the Night Saints Assault Marines under Chaplain Amantes, and opened fire upon them immediately after disembarking from their drop pod. Two of Amantes Marines fell, but they still stood resolute, and prepared to counter the Black Templars.


But they were not the only unit to suffer an attack, but also the Dreadnought dropped by the Space Wolves line, Tornos, came under fire and was destroyed by the Land Raiders Lascannons.

The Genestealers were still running amok within the defenders lines, and the Gaunts were attacking the sisters again and again, with wave after wave after wave. The Blood Angels Terminators began popping off the Genestealers one at a time from their vantage point on the Bastion. But it was looking bleak for the defenders.

Even the Inquisitor and his Retinue disembarked from their Land Raider and prepared to fight off the Tyrannic horde.

Attackers Turn 3

The Night Saints had been attacked, and it was time to dole out their revenge. Dreadnought Mnazdro stomped onto the field and let loose his heavy flamer onto the Black Templars Assault Marines, immolating several of them. Marine Lorenzo of Amantes Squad let loose on the Templars as well with his flamer, further killing a few more Marines.

Tactical Squad Ardus moved onto the field and began shooting at the Templars Assault Marines as well.

Amantes shouted a charge, and he and his Assault Marines attacked the Templars in hand-to-hand.

The Imperial Guard moved up to help the Night Saints, and began tracking the Carnifex still raging the midst of everything.



The Tactical Squad from earlier was still grabbing the Relic from the Chapel, while even more and more Tyranids and Orks came into the field and began attacking the Defenders.

More Orks came down near the Bastion and immediately came under fire from several Grey Knights Terminators.


But the Black Templars also had a squad of Terminators, moving on the Orks and ready to aide the Tau. If they succeeded, they would then be able to attack the other forces within the Night Saints deployment. Chaplain Bo'Mir and his Terminators Teleported to the surface and immediately engaged the Templars Terminators.



The Space Wolves were faring well, and when a two Carnifex's landed close to their bastion, they immediately disembarked from their vehicles and prepared to meet the aliens.


The Inquisitor however, came under attack by the horde of Gaunts, and was the only one left standing after a bloody battle, but he was still outnumbered fifteen to one. The Tyranids had begun to really take over the field, and time was running short. The Blood Angels Terminators rushed to the Inquisitors Aid.


Defenders Turn 3

The Black Templars met both assaults from the Night Saints and metted out their own gruesome attacks. Chaplain Bo'mir and his Terminators managed to kill several of the Templars Terminators, but were forced to be pulled back to the Battle Barge when the Templars began overpowering them.


Assault Chaplain Amantes and his marines fared better, and the fight became a stalemate between Amantes and his several remaining marines and the Templars Chaplain.


The Tau came under attack by several mobs of Orks and their Killa Kan, taking losses to their battlesuits and Fire Warrior squads. Not to mention Genestealers had begun running amok among the Tau now as well, the battle was quickly degrading into chaos.

The defenders were fighting hard, but it seemed as though things were going to go badly for them.

Attackers Turn 4

The Tyranids were starting to become more and more numerous, and the Space Wolves, along with everyone else, were starting to have serious problems containing them.


It was time for the Night Saints to pull out, the relic was theirs, and they needed to return it to the Chapter.

It seemed like the Black Templars Assault Chaplain was going to be able to hold his own, until one of the rampaging Carnifex's burst through one of the walls of a nearby building and bit him in half while in full stride and heading for the defenders battle line.

Amantes and his men quickly capitalized on the situation, and attacked a nearby Templar Dreadnought. A lucky shot from one of the Brother Marines Plasma Pistol hit the Dreadnoughts powerplant, and destroyed the lumbering behemoth.


Meanwhile, the Predator shot at a nearby Inquisition bunker, and destroyed it, allowing Tactical Squad Ardus to mop up the survivors of the attack.


The ensuing chaos was definitely creating a window of opportunity for the Night Saints to withdraw, but there was still the matter of a Space Wolves Land Raider that would be able to shoot down their Thunderhawks if they came in too soon. Assault Chaplain Errus and his veteran Assault Squad teleported to the surface of the world to remove the obstacle. Even though the Chaplain was the only one to make it through the warp, he did not falter. Immediately he rushed the Land Raider and slapped a Melta Charge onto its powerplant, which destroyed the tank.


Their mission done, the Night Saints withdrew, and left the defenders to the fates. If the Imperium won, so be it, but nevertheless, the Night Saints had found a relic from one of their long-lost heros. The Imperial Guard who had accompanied the Night Saints withdrew as well, happy to leave the defenders to fight the monstrous Tyranids and Orks.

The mission was a success.

-----

Fun times!!

God, so many things are fucking bothering me today I have irritable bowels.

Firstly, I'm tired of not having a job, or money. Its literally sickening me to sit here in this fucking room all the damn time doing nothing but play games and do stuff on the internet. But I can't do much else because a job that was promised me if I came back to the state of Colorado has yet to appear, after a FUCKING MONTH of waiting. A WHOLE GODDAMN MONTH. And yet, at the beginning of the months wait, the guy offering me the job made it sound like I would have it within a week at the most.

Not so much now.

He never returns my fucking calls, isn't there when I stop by and ask for him, and just seems like he ignores the fact that I want to talk to him, and talks to my dad about whatevers going on. It royally pisses me the fuck off. I'M THE ONE WITH THE FUCKING QUESTIONS! NOT HIM!

Secondly, money is still a fucking issue, I have loans, tickets, and people to pay off, and since motherfucker can't get me a job like he said, cause lord knows I can't just go out and get one here in Colorado, I have no money with which to pay these outstanding fees. Again, MOTHERFUCKER YOU PROMISED ME A JOB!

Another thing I'm tired of is all these motherfucking twitter bots that have to follow me. I DONT WANT TO SEE BRITNEY GETTING F.UCK.D THANKS ASSHOLE! Its fucking ridiculous.

I'm having to rewrite my essays and fucking final project for my class, because the company I picked didn't have the shit information I needed to finish up the goddamn thing. I'm tired of all this freakin' running around on the things I need to finish, thanks for nothing you fucking companies with no Investor Relations webpages. You fucking suck.

I wish this video game company would return my emails, phonecalls, something. I'm wanting to get information here!

Parents promised so much more than I've been fucking delivered here. Man, thanks for being like the other jobs I had where they promised these amazing things, but DIDNT FUCKING DELIVER. Thanks so much mom and dad, you're a real help. Its obvious you just wanted me back in this fucking house in this goddamn basement instead of happy and where I want to be. Thanks for making me fucking miserable.

I'm so freakin' lonely here, and I miss Bren a whole, hell of a lot. The things I'd do to be back with her right now are numerous and involve all sorts of murder, killing, pirating, etc. I'd so much rather be with her in Texas than here in this fucking basement wishing things could get better.

Well, they're not going to get better. Its obvious they can't right now.

I just get to sit and stew in all this shit and wonder what the hell will I ever be able to do to get out of it and live with Bren and just have a good fucking life?

But no, I can't ever have anything pan out the way I want, because that's bullshit that I would want something for myself the way I want it. I've lived my fucking life for everyone else up to a point, I've been through some pretty horrid shit in the past, and now that I want something particular, I can't have it?

Thanks a lot, god, or whomever is watching over me.

You're a fucking dick.

I'm feeling much more defeated right now than I have in a long time. I don't want to do jack-shit, and I'm tired.

I'm tired of being here, living with my fucking parents, being miserable and getting sick after every meal I eat.

I'm tired of this whole 'give it some time, you'll get the job' bullshit I've been putting up with.

I'm tired of nightmares that haunt my sleep, and this feeling of helplessnes I feel all day.

I'm tired of nothing to do here.

I'm just fucking tired.

Yeah, I've got a lot of projects ahead of me these next three months.

Lets list them!!!

1.) I need to make a 2000-2500 point army for a Warhammer 40k tourney on saturday.

2.) I need to test out of Math and English in college.

3.) I need to find out if my scholarship covers the cost of the programs I need to create 3-D stuff for the class next quarter.

4.) I need to learn to be good at Maya, quickly!

5.) I need to learn how to make my models made in Maya so much better in the program Zbrush.

6.) Make a demo reel of creations using Maya and Zbrush.

7.) Contact the company in Austin, Vigil Games, and try to stay in contact and hopefully impress them with my demo reel and get a job there.

8.) Get a job here in Colorado in the mean time, and save up money.

9.) Move to Austin, and be with Bren, my lover.

10.) That's pretty much it for now.


You'll all be updated on new designs, works, and anything I post in relevance to anything I have listed here.

Hope you all keep up with me. :)

I havn't posted here in a while, and I havn't been able to to much of anything, mainly cause I forget to do it.

I'm going to try and post here more!

MOAR!

And my hero, Billy Mayes, is no longer with us.

I can imagine whats going on in heaven right now, and its prolly something like this.

"Hi! Billy Mayes here! Are you tired of watery, uncoordinated clouds? Are your cumulus's just not cutting it? Well I've got the solution. It's Billy Mayes Cloud Fluffer 2000! Never again will you have flat, papery clouds again."

He demonstrates.

"But wait, this amazing offer isn't done just yet! If you call now, we'll throw in a second cloud fluffer, absolutely free! Call now!"


And then he'd meet God.


"Are you too busy saving peoples souls to care about how your beard looks? Is it a mess, tangled and unkempt? Well, for the deity on the go, we're selling the Deity Beard Trimmer, only 19.95! You'll have a beard worthy of a godly title in no time! But wait! Call now and you can get the Deity Mustache Trimmer, absolutely free! Call now!"


But there wouldn't really be a number to call, and God would get his beard and mustache trimmer from Billy right then and there.

Because he's just that good at pitching new deals.

I'll miss you Billy!

Back to work tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it.

I love doing what I do, no doubt about it. Theres nothing like feeling like you earned your pay that day, you know? But its just, I wished that by now I was going to do what I wanted to, making the money I wanted to make from home and being able to be free and do what I want.

That hasn't happened.

Worse yet, I think I fell into a depression or a slump or something, cause none of the games I'm playing are doing anything for me. I'm not able to envelope myself into them like I used to, and I just end up only playing for about 20-30 minuets before I stop, when it used to be well over an hour that I could play before even wanting to think about maybe stopping for a bathroom break.

Gah, I hate having to worry about so many goddamned things.

Maybe this next week will turn things around for me, maybe I'll just be able to do what I want and magically have everything fall into place this week.

Maybe.

But who really knows? Certainly not me.

I feel like playing warhammer, but I don't have most of my stuff, blah. Not even enough for a regulation army. Feh.

Oh well.

Lets see how this week goes, maybe by a stroke of luck I'll get a few things I asked for.

Hope with me here.

-Sean


:ICON: Terran Marine - "How do I get out of this Chicken Shit outfit?"